Let’s take a break from the world of sports and other news to bring this extremely important public service announcement.  For lunch today, we decided to order 10 pizzas for everyone in office.  After much debate, we ended up settling on 5 pizzas to contain strictly some type of combination of meat and cheese, while the other 5 pizzas would have a potpourri of greens, onions, olives and mushrooms upon the insistence of a couple of people.  Of course, within 5 minutes of the pizzas arriving, there was a lone slice of sausage remaining while 4 1/2 pizzas with the green stuff continued to lay around, leaving dozens of hungry people to turn to cannibalism.

Here’s the lesson that needs to be hammered home here: if you’re ordering pizza for 4 or more people, ONLY ORDER MEAT AND CHEESE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY.  If for some reason there is someone that simply can’t or won’t eat meat (which it must be noted is a crime against humanity), then an exception for a plain cheese or spinach pizza is acceptable.  I don’t care if it’s just you ordering a pizza along with Charlie Trotter, Wolfgang Puck, and Dom DeLuise – once you get to 4 people in a group, pizza is about sticking to the basics.  There needs to be a muzzle put on “that guy” that insists upon ordering some wacky combination of toppings, because the fact of the matter is that he’ll end up eating one slice of it and then head on to the sausage and pepperoni.  I’ve ordered pizza in large groups hundreds of times in my life and the fucked-up ingredient pizza ends up laying untouched while people stab each other over the last piece of pepperoni EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME.

Look, I’m the furthest thing from a picky eater.  The two most prominent athletic inspirations in my life are Michael Jordan and Kobayashi.  Yet, there are simply quite a few things that I normally enjoy, such as onions and peppers, that I just can’t stand on pizza (on a related subject, I’d rather check out how Shaq’s ass tastes than eat another mushroom in my life – just a personal preference there).  For me, pizza is about dead animals and cheese – end of discussion.  This is also the case for 99% of the rest of humanity, which is the reason why the choices of pizza at mass gatherings such as sporting events, rock concerts, and political protests are always limited to sausage, pepperoni, or cheese (with the glorious meat lover’s option thrown in every once in awhile – if bacon on pizza is wrong, then I don’t want to be right).

Once again, the lesson for ordering pizza in a group is (1) meat, (2) cheese, and (3) shoot any dissenters.  When it comes to ordering pizza, you need to put the sickle down like Soviet Russia.

Rants about this past weekend’s Illini and Bears games are forthcoming.

(Image from MeighanMag)