Category: Illinois Fighting Illini

All is Right With the World: Bears Smack the Pack

On By Frank the TankIn Big East, Big Ten, Chicago White Sox, College Football, Illinois Fighting Illini, Major League Baseball, NFL Football, Sports3 Comments

Illinois has severely cramped its chances to make it to the Motor City Bowl this year with a craptacular 33-0 drubbing at Rutgers (Rutgers?!) and Ron Zook is talking about employing more of the “rugby punt” as a “secret weapon” (I wish that was a joke). The White Sox pitching staff continues to get shelled in the late innings of ballgames while messing up a golden opportunity to gain some ground with the Twins and Tigers beating up on each other.

So why is it that I woke up this morning feeling more than satisifed with my sports weekend? Well, the Bears completely maimed the Packers, that’s why. After more than a decade of Brett Favre slicing up the Bears defense with his gunslinger mentality, father time has finally caught up to him and Green Bay is paying the price. The Bears defense throttled him so much that he suffered the first shutout in his career.

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What I was really happy about, however, was that for the first time since probably the Erik Kramer “era”, the Bears put together a complete game on both the offensive and defensive sides of the ball. Rex Grossman was sharp and accurate, Mushin Muhammad caught more difficult passes in this game than all of last season, the offense figured out that the tight end and fullback can actually be incorporated into the game plan as opposed to being statues, the running game was solid, the Bernard Berrian touchdown play puts NFL defenses on notice that they can’t stack 11 guys in the box against the Bears anymore, the defensive line ran ramshod over the Green Bay offensive front, the secondary blanketed everyone outside of Favre’s crutch in Donald Driver, Devin Hester has shown that he’s electrifying on special teams (after I ripped on the Bears’ draft this past April, I have to give a ton of credit to Jerry Angelo for that pick), and our kicking and punting games were flawless.

There are a couple of things that the Bears need to improve upon, particularly converting touchdowns in the red zone. However, it’s a huge turning point in that we can go into Lambeau Field again with a sense of confidence and the Favre bogey man has been fully eradicated. The Bears just beat their biggest and most hated rival on the road on opening day with a 26-0 shutout. Life doesn’t get much better than that.

(Image from Chicago Tribune)

Don’t Feel I-L-L: College Football Preview 2006

On By Frank the TankIn Big East, Big Ten, College Football, Illinois Fighting Illini, Random Thoughts, Sports14 Comments

Dust the mothballs off of Lee Corso – the college football season is here! With that, here are my thoughts on the Illini (views on this morning’s report in the Chicago Sun-Times of the apparent demise of Chief Illiniwek will come at a different time), Big Ten, and the rest of college football:

1) Mediocrity = Zook the Messiah – The preseason prognosticators have been taking a collective dump on the Illinois football team. CBS Sportsline and the Chicago Tribune are just two of the multitudes of media outlets that have picked the Illini to finish dead last in the Big Ten this season, while ESPN already has us on the “waiting list” for the National Bottom 10. I know that last year was the most horrible season in recent memory (and believe me, as someone that started following Illinois after my marticulation to the school in Champaign-Urbana a decade ago, that recent memory might as well be a Wes Craven movie franchise) while the Penn State backups are still scoring on our defense as you read this. However, I simply refuse to believe that a team that is returning 20 starters from last season along with a top 30 recruiting class coming in (which doesn’t take into account the addition of stud defensive end Melvin Alaeze) is going to be nearly as awful as everyone believes.

So, let me make a bold prediction: the Illini will make a bowl this season. Yes, you read that correctly. Any bowl would be of the Motor City variety as opposed to the Rose, but it would be a bowl nonetheless. How could this happen, other than it being a delusional dream of a flaming Illini homer? Well, in the midst of the college presidents saying that insituting a playoff system would make the season too long, they decided to add a 12th game to the regular season schedule. Completely logical, right? What’s bad for college football in general, though, could be a boon for weak BCS teams such as the Illini. The upshot is that a team only needs to finish .500 to get the minimum of 6 wins to be bowl-eligible. That means if a team can sweep its 4-game non-conference schedule, it can be pitiful in conference play yet still end up in a bowl.

This recipe is in place for the Illini. The mighty Division 1-AA Eastern Illinois Panthers are coming into town for a guarantee game this weekend (although if the Illini somehow come up short here while I attend this game with my law school buddy that went the EIU, I might be pulling a Salman Rushdie for a few years). There is also an October game against the Ohio University, whose existence seems solely to be an excuse for pompous Ohio State grads to call their school THE Ohio State University. Meanwhile, Illinois has two Big East opponents in Rutgers and Syracuse, which might as well be guarantee games. As bad as Illinois was last season, they still were able to beat Rutgers – and the Scarlet Knights were good enough by Big East standards to make it to a bowl! Syracuse, on the other hand, couldn’t even get a single Big East conference victory. Simply put, the Big East is comparable to the Little Sisters of the Poor Conference, or worse yet, the National League. A statement categorizing these two opponents as BCS teams would be ruled as perjury by a court of law.

As long as Illinois can get through its non-conference schedule unscathed, which is a reasonable belief, we only need 2 Big Ten Conference victories to go bowling. Win number one is simple – as I’ve stated before, we’re playing Indiana at home this year, which makes that game a virtual lock in our favor. Therefore, the question is where we’re going to get win number two. Ohio State, Penn State, Iowa, and Wisconsin are all out of the question. That leaves Michigan State, Purdue, and Northwestern on the table. Purdue looks to have one of the strongest offenses in the Big Ten this season, so I’m going to put an Illini win over the Boilermakers into the unlikely category. The matchup with Michigan State is a prime opportunity, since we’re the-game-after-the-Notre-Dame-game for them this year. As I’ll allude to later on in this preview, the Spartans have a habit of catching the Irish with their drunken leprechaun pants down because MSU is invariably always the opponent in the-game-after-the-Michigan-game for Notre Dame. This leads to Michigan State subsequently crash down from that emotional high the very next week against a vastly inferior opponent.

The most likely scenario, though, is us getting our last necessary win against in-state rival Northwestern. The Wildcats will deservedly be the subject of numerous human interest stories as the program recovers from the sudden death of head coach Randy Walker (I can’t even comprehend the emotions that are going to be on display tonight when Northwestern kicks off the season at Miami of Ohio, which just happens to be Walker’s alma mater). In football terms, however, Northwestern is going to have an inexperienced coach in Pat Fitzgerald with an inexperienced quarterback to be determined at a later date. With that combo, I can’t see how anyone other than the Hoosiers are going to fall below the Wildcats in Big Ten play this season.

As the crack smoke clears from my room, a bowl actually looks like an attainable goal for Illinois. Now, we’re going to have to figure out what to do with Ron Zook’s dance moves.

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2) Irish Eyes and Kissing Cousins Won’t Be Smiling – Being able to predict who will end up being the best team in football four months before the championship, whether it’s college or pro, is pretty tough. However, finding an overrated team to bet heavily against is easier than Paris Hilton in an NFL locker room. There are two “hot” teams to sell short this season: Notre Dame and West Virginia. The weak Irish defense is going to catch up with them this season – I really can’t believe that anyone who watched the Fiesta Bowl last year could rationally put Notre Dame in the same class as Ohio State regardless of how many players the Buckeyes have lost. Even if the Irish somehow win their first three games, which certainly isn’t anywhere near a lock with Georgia Tech, Penn State, and Michigan being the opponents, as stated above the Charlie Weis squad will find a way to crap out against Michigan State like they always do.

At the same time, while it’s perfectly reasonable to rely on this logic for a team to make a bowl (see “Fighting Illini” in point #1), the worst argument that anyone can ever have to say that someone is a national championship contender is that the team has schedule akin to playing the runners-up from a sixth grade Punt, Pass, and Kick contest every week, which is what a number of prognosticators seem to be saying about Big East member West Virginia. For those with short memories, this was a popular sentiment in making fellow Big Easter Louisville one of the trendy preseason national title contenders last season. The problem with weak schedules, though, is that any loss is a really bad loss, such as Louisville losing to South Florida. The money here says that the Mountaineers won’t be running the table (possibly a loss against said Louisville Cardinals), which kills any title hopes.

3) Drink Like a Champion Today – The Chicagoist put together a nice list of bars in Chicago where Big Ten and Notre Dame alums can cheer their respective teams with fellow alums and fans. I can attest to validity of all of the Illini bars listed (and pretty much all of the non-Illini bars mentioned, as well). However, and maybe it’s just me, I always felt as though at least 50% of the bars on the North Side of Chicago are owned by Michigan State fans. The number of pictures that I’ve seen of the Flint Munchkin, er, Mateen Cleaves hanging on wall while I’ve been out on the town is astounding.

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4) Big Ten Final Standings Prediction – Something you’re going to be hearing all season, regardless of whether you live in Big Ten Country, is how stacked the Buckeyes are. Watch out for those pesky Illini kids. The projected conference standings: (1) Ohio State, (2) Michigan, (3) Iowa, (4) Penn State, (5) Wisconsin, (6) Purdue, (7) Michigan State, (8) Illinois, (9) Minnesota, (10) Northwestern, (11) Indiana.

5) BCS Conference Champions Predictions: Nothing too crazy here except that I believe this is the year that USC gets knocked off of its Nick Lachey-sized pedestal, if only for a season. The projected BCS conference champs: Big Ten – Ohio State, SEC – Auburn, ACC – Florida State, Big 12 – Texas, Pac-10 – California, Big East – Louisville.

6) BCS Championship Game Prediction: Auburn is going to be battle-tested in the brutal SEC this season. However, Troy Smith is not only going to roll over Brady Quinn in the Heisman Trophy race, but his team is going to make Columbus forget about the taser use on Maurice Clarett and the reading habits of Mike Cooper. Predicted national championship result: Ohio State over Auburn.

In about 48 hours, I’ll be tailgating outside of Memorial Stadium once again. Even if Illinois doesn’t end up in a bowl or goes 0-for-the-Big-Ten, there are few things better in life than popping some beers and placing meat over fire with some buddies on a college football Saturday. Happy college football season!

(Images from Deadspin and Deadspin again)

Leinart, Lachey, and Land-o-Links for 8/29/2006

On By Frank the TankIn Big Ten, Chicago Bears, College Football, Illinois Fighting Illini, Land-o-Links, NFL Football, Random Thoughts, Sports3 Comments

I can start thinking about the White Sox again, but I will continue to just ignore what my eyes are telling me about the Bears offense. By the way, regardless of what anyone might have thought of him at USC, Nick Lachey’s wingman Matt Leinart (or maybe it’s the other way around) looked incredible for the Arizona Cardinals while playing against the first team Bears defensive unit on Friday night. I know I’ve said before that the NFL preseason is worthless, yet it’s still pretty impressive when a rookie is able to more than hold his own against one of the league’s supposed top defenses. Of course, how great can the Bears defense be if they can’t stop a rookie, no matter how great he was in college? At least I can take solace in that the Packers look worse than ever. Here are today’s links:

1) Big Ten Preview (Views From Life on a Bench) (from Deadspin) – An entertaining look at the upcoming Big Ten football season, but I was curious as to the hateration for our Illini uniforms. Then, I found out that we are getting new uniforms this season, which include some Miami Hurricanes-style piping for our standard jerseys and then a special orange incarnation (a variety of which has appeared before). Let’s just say that my eyes haven’t burned this badly since K-Fed’s “performance” last week. Look, I love our orange basketball uniforms, but we really need to shelve the monochromatic orange football unis. Teams such as Penn State, Michigan, and Notre Dame are dressed to play football. Our Illini, however, are straight out of a Charlie Brown Halloween special.

2) Watch What You Snap (Chicagoist) – Don’t let the terrorists win. Be alert of those people taking pictures of, uh, Metra trains.

3) Do Not Draft Domanick Davis, People (Deadspin) – I cannot tell you how close I was to drafting Domanick Davis in my first fantasy football draft of the season this past Saturday – it was between him and Reuben Droughns for my #2 running back. On a split second decision, I went with Reuben because, well, that’s a damn fine sandwich. Plus, I’ve had Davis on at least one of my teams for the past two years and he has provided diminishing returns since David Carr’s passer rating has hovered in the low teens (the football equivalent of the Mendoza Line should heretofore be called the “Carr Line”), which gave opposing defenses the opportunity to stack 11 teams in the box against the Texans. Still, until I saw this, I had a little bit of buyer’s remorse since Davis historically has put up decent receiving numbers in addition to his running stats. For once, the fantasy football gods might have thrown me a bone. In the real football world, it’s a good thing for Houston that they took Reggie Bush with the biggest no-brainer #1 draft pick since Peyton Manning. Oh, hold on a second…

4) Web Guitar Wizard Revealed at Last (New York Times) – The identity of funtwo has been uncovered. If you haven’t seen this kid’s technically astounding rock rendition of Pachelbel’s Canon on YouTube, here you go.

5) NBC Expresses Regret for Air-Crash Skit (Washington Post) – The P.C. brigade marches on. By this logic, ABC will need to apologize for airing “Lost” in the first place.

And finally…

6) Hip-Hop Infused Poker Show Coming to Television (AllHipHop.com) – Something tells me that this is going to be a cross between the World Series of Poker and Wilmer Valderrama’s latest MTV vehicle “Yo Momma”, which means that this is a virtual lock to be the greatest program in the history of television.

(UPDATE: Speaking of Matt Leinart, it looks like he’s going to be a daddy.) 

“That’s All Things Considered’s Music!!!” and Land-o-Links for 8/18/2006

On By Frank the TankIn Big Ten, Chicago White Sox, College Basketball, Illinois Fighting Illini, Land-o-Links, Major League Baseball, Random Thoughts, SportsLeave a comment

During my ten-minute drive from my house to the train station every morning, I usually listen to National Public Radio. This is because: (a) the music stations seem to think that people only want to hear 45-minute discussions about the latest celebrity engagement/marriage/divorce during the morning drive as opposed to, say, listening to music; (b) the sports stations have about a 2-to-1 commercial-to-program ratio in the morning; and (c) I like my news coverage to be more than reciting the latest Yahoo! News headlines.

So, since I only spend a few minutes in the car each day, NPR is perfect for that time. I know that I’m going to get a couple of in-depth news stories that I wouldn’t have found on my own. (By the way, do you know how you have that stomach turning moment in life where you realize that you have turned into your parents? For me, it was when I started to willingly listen to NPR. I used to complain to my father all of the time in the car when he listened to NPR instead of the mysogynist hip-hop music that I favored. Now look at what’s happened to me – I own a house in the suburbs and listen to NPR while driving a minivan. Once I start complaining about any hoodlums in neighborhood that keep partying with the bass too loud, my transformation will be complete.)

At the same time, I’m not going to be deluged with a bunch of commercials in the traditional sense. NPR does have sponsors for segments, which are usually refined entities that fit the tone and tenor of the station such as financial services companies, corporate law firms, museums, and fine arts festivals.

Considering all of this, I nearly urinated on myself in the car the other day when the NPR announcer non-chalantly stated, “Your Chicago Public Radio traffic and weather report has been brought to you by the WWE SummerSlam.” My goodness, the Hulkster is body slamming the Hezbollah!!! Who’s ready for the Garrison Keillor/Carl Kasell tag team??? The only thing that could have been funnier is if the announcer had capped it by informing the listeners that they could watch everything live this Sunday at the Rosemont Horizon. Vince McMahon must have sent in one helluva check during the spring pledge drive. Anyway, here are the links for the weekend:

1) Slippery When Airborne (Malay Mail) (from Danny M) – YES, THOSE SNAKES DESERVED TO DIE, AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!!!

2) 2006-07 Illinois Men’s Basketball Schedule (FightingIllini.com) – The nonconference schedule is definitely a step down from the last five or six seasons, although that’s appropriate since this is probably going to be a weaker transition year before the Illini ramp it up again for the monster freshman class starting in 2007-08 (assuming Indiana stops doing the devil’s work in trying to steal our recruit). I’m definitely looking forward to the Arizona game on December 2nd, which will be our first meeting with the Wildcats since the greatest sports event I have ever seen and probably ever will see. If for some reason you need a reminder of what occurred on March 26, 2005, bestill the power of YouTube here.

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(Random Note #1: A couple of my buddies were playing pickup hoops in downtown Chicago last weekend when out of the blue, Dee Brown showed up along with an entourage of 5 other guys and joined the game. Quoting one of the players regarding Dee: “He broke my ankles, drained threes in my face, and trash talked…it was awesome. In one game, we were on the same team and he caught me on a backdoor move. The play was so smooth…it’s like we’ve been playing together for years.” That might be the most awesome story I have ever heard in my life.)

(Random Note #2: The picture above of Deron Williams posterizing Channing Frye has been the wallpaper on my computer since March 27, 2005. Just so you know.)

3) 5 Predictions for the Big Ten (ESPN.com) – Switching to football, I’ll gladly take “long-term optimism” and run with it.

4) The Barkers Meet MySpace (E! Online News) – Well, this is certainly one way to get your side of the story out to the public.

5) The Buerhle Bile File: Making History: Game 120 Thoughts (Chi-Sox Blog) – After what was supposed to be a break in the schedule against the Royals (the White Sox ended up barely splitting the 4-game series against the worst team in baseball), the Sox now have 10 straight games with the Twins and Tigers. I was really hoping that I could enjoy the next 6 weeks without having the worry about the Sox making the playoffs, but no dice here.

6) Snakes on Claire Danes (YouTube) – Heh-heh…

And finally…

7) Australians Upset Over Loud Manilow Music (San Francisco Chronicle) – Sometimes, you’re better off just putting up with those punk kids because the solution is ten times worse.

(Image from FightingIllini.com)

Football vs. Football: Pro or College?

On By Frank the TankIn Big Ten, Chicago Bears, College Football, Illinois Fighting Illini, NFL Football, Sports4 Comments

To me, there’s no question that the college game is superior to the pro game in the basketball world. Even though I enjoy the NBA and believe that, pound for pound, its players are the best athletes in the world, it doesn’t hold a candle to the passion associated with college basketball from the first game of the regular season up until the Final Four.

Comparing college football with pro football, on the other hand, is a much tougher task for me. ESPN.com is currently running a debate on which style of football is better, with Ivan Maisel supporting the college game and Len Pasquerelli championing the NFL. Choosing one over the other is kind of like asking a mother which child is her favorite or whether it was more shocking to find out that Liberace was gay versus Lance Bass – if there’s any answer at all, we’re definitely splitting hairs here. From my personal perspective, the fact that the earliest concrete sports memories that I have are of the 1985 Bears Super Bowl season means that the NFL has the oldest roots of my sports fandom (as well as creating a lifetime of unreasonable expectations for the Bears). On the other hand, as I’ve mentioned previously, since I’ve gone to college, there is now no team that I care about more in any sport at any level than the Illinois Fighting Illini (which has been great for basketball, but not so hot lately for football), meaning that the college game has deeper roots for me.

Obviously, the quality of play is going to be higher in the NFL since the players re paid professionals as opposed to amatuer students, so that’s a given. However, there are a whole host of other factors that are in play here in a best-of-seven format:

1) Watching Teams That You Care About – I don’t care that the Packers are owned by the citizens of Green Bay. If you went to a BCS school, the allegiance to your college program runs deeper than anyone could ever have with a pro team.  As of yesterday on Stubhub.com, the least expensive tickets (where you can buy at least a pair) for the New Year’s Eve game between the Bears and Packers, which is the NFL matchup with the highest demand in one of the most expensive scalping markets in the country, are $175 apiece.  In contrast, the cheapest tickets for the September 9th game between Notre Dame and Penn State in South Bend (and these are among the worst seats in a stadium with nearly 20,000 more seats than Soldier Field) are currently $725 each.  When a regular season college football game can command higher ticket prices than the Super Bowl, you can see who has the most obsessive fans.

EDGE: College Football

2) Watching Teams That You Don’t Care About – While I program the Illini and Bears schedules into my electronic calendar every year, I’m also the type of guy that will end up watching a whole lot more football games that don’t involve my teams at all. On the college side, there are the superior rivalries (see #3 below), where the classic games end up getting names like the “Game of the Century” and are are talked about years later in the manner of the great heavyweight boxing matches involving Muhammad Ali or Joe Louis. However, NFL football has the fantasy football component, which means I suddenly end up having a vested interest in nearly every game on the docket. As Adam Smith would say…

EDGE: NFL Football

3) Rivalries – I’m saying this as someone that prays at the alter of the rivalry between the Bears and the Packers: the NFL has nothing on Michigan vs. Ohio State, Army vs. Navy, Florida vs. Florida State, Texas vs. Texas A&M, Alabama vs. Auburn, and a host of other college rivalries.

EDGE: College Football

4) Postseason – I’m hoping that one of these days, the BCS college presidents will accept my modest proposal for a playoff system that uses the bowls. Until then…

HUGE EDGE BY DEFAULT: NFL Football

5) Television Pregame Shows – On the college side, ESPN has an immensely entertaining pregame show hosted by Chris Fowler, Kirk Herbstreit, and Lee Corso that is on location as part of the tailgate scene at one of the top games of the week.  For the NFL, there is a choice of an extra hour of Joe Buck, the unstoppable yapping of Chris “YWML” Berman, or an Isotoner gloves spokesman.

MONSTER EDGE: College Football

6) Offseason Activities – When the season is over, pro football has the NFL Draft, which I believe is usually more entertaining than the Super Bowl itself.  As for college, there are spring football practices and middle-aged guys with receding hairlines complaining on internet message boards about the school choices of pimply-faced 17-year kids.

EDGE: NFL Football

7) Miscellaneous – College football has great marching bands, fight songs ingrained in your brain, extreme tailgating, the way Keith Jackson pronounces “A-LA-BAM-A!!!”, drunk student cheering sections, perky cheerleaders, real mascots, and school pride.  Meanwhile, NFL Football has booze at the game that you don’t have to smuggle into the stadium in a flask, Madden NFL for the PS2 or Xbox 360, cheerleaders that were trained at the Admiral Theatre, a plethora of teaser bets, and the gift that keeps on giving with the Super Bowl Shuffle.  It’s a tight one here, but this has got to go this way…

EDGE: College Football

So there you have it.  College Football slightly edges out NFL Football 4-3 on the preference scale for Frank the Tank.  It would be even more preferable if Illinois could win a Big Ten conference game or two each season.  Regardless, I’ll be a happy man in September when the Bears and Illini are both back on the gridiron for real again.

Preseason Blues and Land-o-Links for 8/5/2006

On By Frank the TankIn Big Ten, Chicago Bears, College Football, Illinois Fighting Illini, Land-o-Links, NFL Football, Random Thoughts, Sports5 Comments

I love football. It doesn’t matter whether it’s pro football or college football – I’ll watch it all. I run multiple fantasy football teams every year. There have to be monstrous extraneous factors for me to miss watching a Bears or Illini game. However, for all of this love for the pigskin, there’s one thing that doesn’t excite me at all: preseason football.

Even though my heart flutters a little bit when NFL training camps open, preseason football just doesn’t do it for me. Don’t get me wrong – I’ll most likely end up watching the Hall of Fame Game this weekend along with all of the Bears preseason games (not to mention that a number of professional gamblers believe that the preseason presents great betting opportunities). Yet, as opposed to whetting my appetite for the upcoming regular season, which is what spring training does for me with baseball, the NFL preseason is an excruciatingly long month that puts me on edge.

The reason is that the NFL preseason has absolutely no correlation with what occurs during the regular season. (Random Factoid for Use in a Bar Bet – Question: What was the Bears’ preseason record before their 15-1 Super Bowl season in 1985? Answer: 1 win, 3 losses.) While the third game of the preseason is usually when teams leave their starters in for the most amount of time, the ultimate goal for most head coaches is to make sure they don’t have too many injuries going into the season opener. That means the average preseason game might see the starting units on the field for the first quarter, at most (I doubt we’ll see Rex Grossman take snaps for more than a series or two per game). After that, it’s a cacophony of scrubs trying to grab a third-string spot or a place on the practice squad. That’s not real football. At least in spring training baseball games, there is a feeling that the game of baseball is actually being played with the players that are going to be out there everyday.

There is nothing better in sports than a football game where both teams are playing at the highest level. However, preseason football is a bastardized version of this great sport. That being said, I’ll still watch it, though. On to today’s links:

1) Best Sports Cities 2006: Welcome Back, Chicago (Sporting News) – It’s no contest.

2) Zook’s Latest Coup Gives Hope (Mark Tupper Weblog) – How many “risks” are going to be acceptable for Ron Zook to take in order to get the Illini football program back on the map? Illinois just enrolled Melvin Alaeze, who was the number one rated defensive end in the nation out of the high school Class of 2005 but had his scholarship to Maryland rescinded because he (a) failed to qualify academically (which concerns me since Illinois is considerably more difficult to get into than Maryland) and (b) has some problems with the reefer. Of course, something tells me that if he really is the faster and stronger version of Simeon Rice that the scouts claim and Illinois turns into a perennial bowl game participant that we believe it should be, we’re going to end up forgetting these details within the next couple years. It’s somewhat sad, but it’s true everywhere in big-time college athletics.

3) Wee, Wee, Wee – Half the Way Home (Siberia, Minnesota) – Some of my Illini brethren have been foiled again. It’s probably a good thing that Facebook didn’t exist when I was in college (and an extremely good thing for Minneapolis Red Sox).

4) Whoa, Wait – You Meant That? (Chicagoist) – This is what happens when the Chicago City Council fails high school economics.

5) Bears Need Offense to Help Defense (ESPN.com) – The Bears training camp report filed by John Clayton AKA Bill Gates’ Dorkier Little Brother. Interesting tidbit: only one Bears team over the past 10 seasons has averaged more than 21 points a game, which was the 2001 club that averaged a huge 21.1. Bleh!

6) Top Ten Will Farrell SNL Skits of All Time (TK) – For anyone that has ever wondered, I seriously have had the nickname of Frank the Tank since my tenure at Brookwood Junior High at the beginning of the 1990s, which was long before Will Farrell’s character of the same name ever appeared in Old School.

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And finally…

7) Write Your Very Own Sports Guy Column (The Chicago Sports Review) (from Deadspin) – Bill Simmons AKA The Sports Guy on ESPN’s Page 2 is one of my favorite columnists on any subject, whether it’s inside or outside of the sports arena. Over time, he has developed a distinct writing style which has influenced plenty of writers out there (including myself), where a column on a sports topic is heavily interspersed with reality TV show and ’80s pop culture references. In fact, Simmons’ writing style has become so pervasive that it was only a matter of time that someone put up a “Mad Libs”-style form to create your own Sports Guy column. You can take a look at my end product, which is on the next page, but you really need to try it out yourself first before reading anyone else’s versions in order to get the full effect.

(UPDATE: The real Sports Guy has new mailbag column today, where he provides an apt description of the cab line at the Las Vegas airport.)

Continue reading “Preseason Blues and Land-o-Links for 8/5/2006” →

Yankee Doodle Dealings and Land-o-Links for 8/2/2006

On By Frank the TankIn Big Ten, Chicago Bulls, College Football, Illinois Fighting Illini, Land-o-Links, Major League Baseball, NBA Basketball, Random Thoughts, SportsLeave a comment

Pitching and defense win championships in baseball. It’s a concept that’s constantly beaten into our heads, right? Yet, almost every baseball prognosticator alive is convinced that the Yankees have taken control of the American League by adding Bobby Abreu and Craig Wilson to the lineup along with fifth starter Cory Lidle. (Mercifully, the great Gregg Doyel is an exception.)

Now, considering that the Yankees were able to obtain these players for very little in exchange, these were certainly great deals when examining them on paper. However, even with the injuries to Hideki Matsui and Gary Sheffield, the Yankees weren’t having any trouble scoring runs before the trade deadline. Their biggest concern, as with many other teams, was and still is starting pitching. Lidle’s stats need to be taken with a monster grain of salt since he’s coming from the National League. If Bronson Arroyo all of the sudden becomes an ace by switching leagues, you know that there’s a serious gap in quality.

The upshot here is that the Yankees could very well bash in enough runs to make it to the postseason, but there’s no way that they’re winning the World Series this year with that pitching staff. For all of those that get a little too excited about sexy offensive stats, remember how the Indianpolis Colts and the Dallas Mavericks ended their respective seasons in 2006. The adage about pitching and defense winning championships is old and tired, but it bears repeating since people seem to forget it every single year. On to today’s links:

1) Parsing Mel’s Meltdown (Washington Post) – Let’s see… Steven Spielberg… Jeffrey Katzenberg… the Weinstein brothers… it seems to me that Hollywood isn’t the greatest town in the world to have a beef with Jewish people. (By the way, I hope I will look half as good as this if I ever have to get a mugshot taken in a drunken stupor.)

2) Bulls Announce 2006-07 Regular Season (Bulls.com) – Call me crazy, but the last time that I’ve been this excited about an upcoming season for any of my rooting interests was with the 2004-05 Illini basketball team. There’s nothing quite like watching a team on the ascent after improving significantly during the offseason. The coverage of the Bulls is getting back up to the numbers of the Jordan Era, with 30 of their games being broadcast on national television (which doesn’t even include the games on Superstation WGN). If anything, it could be a banner October with the Bulls (tipping off on Halloween), White Sox (as long as our pitchers stop giving up run totals in the double-digits), Bears, and better-than-even odds for a Big Ten win for Illinois football since we have Indiana at home this year.

3) Defending Conference Co-Champion Ohio State Named Big Ten Football Preseason Favorite (Big Ten.com) – In case you missed the blanket ESPNEWS coverage of Big Ten Media Day yesterday, the media members voted for the obvious preseason choice for conference football champs. With these high gridiron expectations being coupled with one of the greatest basketball recruiting classes in history coming into Columbus this year, it’s a great time to be a Buckeye. As for the Illini, did I mention the fact that Illinois gets to play Indiana at home this year?

4) Move Over, Napa (Chicago Tribune) – My wife and I were up in the Saugatuck-Douglas area over the Fourth of July weekend, and I’ll have to say that I’m a fan of the Michigan vino.

And finally…

5) Man Has Erection For 10 Years and Wins $400k in Lawsuit (San Francisco Chronicle) – Chuck Norris doesn’t understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts more than four hours. As seen in this article, his erections have been known to last up to ten years.

(UPDATE: Deadspin is reporting that the Latino sensation Miller Park Chorizo, which began racing last week, won’t be back until next season because Major League Baseball needs to “vet all new mascots.”  This finally answers my question as to what Bud Selig does all day.)

Chi-Town vs. Motown: Rivalries Across the Board

On By Frank the TankIn Big Ten, Chicago Blackhawks, Chicago Cubs, Chicago White Sox, College Basketball, College Football, Illinois Fighting Illini, Major League Baseball, NBA Basketball, NFL Football, NHL Hockey, Sports8 Comments

Dennis Rodman. Ben Wallace. John Salley. Magglio Ordonez. Al Simmons. Chris Chelios. Erik Kramer. Bobby Layne. All of these prominent sports figures from past and present have one thing in common: they have played for teams in both Chicago and Detroit during their careers. Chicago sports teams might have individual rivals from cities other than Detroit such as the Green Bay Packers and St. Louis Cardinals that are more pronounced. However, Chicago and Detroit are linked by having geographically defined and historic rivalries in every sport across the board whether it’s in the professional or college (when taking into account the Big Ten plus Notre Dame) ranks. Not even New York vs. Boston (they have the pro sports covered, but you couldn’t pay enough money to the average person on the street to watch Rutgers play Boston College in anything on the college front) or Los Angeles vs. San Francisco (L.A. doesn’t have an NFL team while the Bay Area only has a quasi-NBA franchise in the Warriors) have sets of sports rivalries that run as wide and deep as Chicago vs. Detroit. With the important series between the White Sox and Tigers (the Sox took game 1 last night after a marvelous performance by Jon Garland) occurring this week, here’s my ranking of the top Chicago vs. Detroit rivalries taking into account history and present fervor:

1) Bulls vs. Pistons – As I’ve stated before, the Bad Boy Pistons were the first team I ever had pure hatred for during my childhood. During the late-1980s and early-1990s, this was the most heated rivalry in all of sports with annual nationally televised Christmas Day matchups at the old Chicago Stadium and inevitable meetings in the NBA Playoffs, coming to a peak when the Pistons walked off of the court after being eliminated by the Bulls in 1991 without even acknowledging Michael Jordan and his team. The rivalry subsided when the Bulls, during their 1990s dynasty, eventually found new foils in the Knicks and Pacers and then the Pistons rose back to dominance after the start of the new millennium right when Chicago went into the cellar. However, with Ben Wallace defecting from a Motown fan base that loved him to go to Chicago out of all places (the basketball equivalent of Johnny Damon spurning the Red Sox for the Yankees), these two franchises are going to be rekindling that old hatred this season and beyond.

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2) Notre Dame vs. Michigan – Michigan fans will tell you that while Ohio State, without question, is their biggest rival, they save their harshest vitriol for the Irish. At the same time, even though Domers count USC as their most important game of the season, there’s a certain respect for the Trojans in contrast to the pure hatred for the Wolverines. Notre Dame and Michigan are the two winningest programs in college football history with fight songs that are beaten into everyone’s heads, whether or not they care one iota about these teams, from birth. When you add in the pompous fans on both sides, the only thing comparable to this game is watching the Yankees play themselves in an intrasquad game: you hope there’s a way that both teams can lose. Regardless of how much I might hate these teams, the college football season really doesn’t start until Notre Dame plays Michigan in September.

(Sidenote: I really wish I could put Illinois vs. Michigan on this list, but I’ve learned over time that the “rivalry” is completely one-sided with my Illini brethren. Now, the most emotionally scarring sports moment that I have ever witnessed at an event that I actually attended was the 2000 Illinois – Michigan football game, where the Illini had the game stolen by the Big Ten referees who, with less than four minutes left in the game with Illinois ahead, incorrectly called a fumble by Illinois’ Rocky Harvey when he was actually down and then seconds later inexplicably didn’t call a fumble on Michigan’s Anthony Thomas when he dropped the ball when his knees weren’t anywhere near close to the ground. Michigan would go on to score the winning touchdown on that drive. The errors were so egregious that the Big Ten issued an unprecedented apology to Illinois a couple of days later and spurred the conference to begin using instant replay. What happened in Champaign that Saturday evening wasn’t a case of heartbreak a la Illinois losing in the 2005 NCAA Championship Game. Instead, it was probably the only time I’ve ever felt completely violated after watching a sporting event. To say the least, my disdain for Michigan peaked at that point.

However, when I went to law school at DePaul, the two undergraduate schools that matriculated the most students there by a substantial margin were Illinois and Michigan. Everytime I spewed my anger toward the Maize and Blue, my Michigan alum classmates were sincerely and genuinely perplexed. They had absolutely no feelings toward playing us whatsoever. In fact, a number of them upon moving to Chicago even started cheering for Illinois when they weren’t playing Michigan. They simply didn’t think about us at all as any sort of rival – we might as well have been Northern Illinois. While learning about this apathy was initially even more enraging from a personal standpoint, it also made me realize that Illinois vs. Michigan was a fictional rivalry and we, as Illini fans, look pretty petty into making the matchup into something more than what it actually is. This is now so apparent across the Big Ten that the Michigan Daily even had an article a couple of years ago examining how much we hate them in contrast to their ambivalence toward us. From that point on, I decided that if I was going to hate a team that really wasn’t a true rival of the Illini, I’d redirect more of my sports rage toward someone outside of the Big Ten: Duke. Of course, that’s not to say that I won’t continue to drop “Muck Fichigan” lines at every opportunity.)

3) Bears vs. Lions – In 1934, the Detroit Lions began their tradition of playing on every Thanksgiving Day by matching up against the Chicago Bears. When examining longevity and frequency, only the Packers are bigger rivals to the Bears than the Lions. While in terms of sporting excellence this rivalry has seen better days, the Bears and Lions are, year-in and year-out regardless of records, the most important franchises in their respective cities. So, as we wait for Matt Millen to put together an offensive formation that features one quarterback and ten wide receivers, we can appreciate the history between these two NFL teams along with the passionate fan bases that they bring to the table.

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4) Blackhawks vs. Red Wings – As I mentioned a few weeks ago, this rivalry once would have been the clear and undisputed #1 on this list. However, this matchup is looking more like Illinois vs. Michigan as opposed to Bulls vs. Pistons with every inept team that the Blackhawks trot out on the ice. Still, there’s incredible history here, from their mutual status as Original Six franchises to the Bobby Hull vs. Gordie Howe boxing matches.

5) Illinois vs. Michigan State – A continually growing college basketball rivalry that is based more on excellence as opposed to bad blood. When looking at the Big Ten over the past decade, these two programs have perennially been at the top of the conference, which makes their annual matchups that much more important. For the record, if I had to pick the one head coach in college basketball other than Bruce Weber that I respect and admire over everyone else, it would definitely be the Spartans’ Tom Izzo.

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6) White Sox vs. Tigers – This season, these two teams are battling for supremacy in the American League. I’ve got to rank this rivalry at #6, however, because they have spent the last one hundred seasons as pretty lackluster franchises. It wasn’t very long ago that the Tigers were battling to avoid losing 120 games in a season, while the White Sox finally broke an 88-year World Series championship drought in 2005. If these two clubs can sustain some success over multiple seasons after this year, then we’ll have another true rivalry on our hands.

And finally…

7) Cubs vs. Tigers – This isn’t a real rivalry at all, but it serves me with an opportunity to remind my readers that are Cubs fans that your team (a) hasn’t won a World Series since 1908, when they defeated none other than the Detroit Tigers in five games and (b) hasn’t won a National League pennant since 1945, when they then lost to the Detroit Tigers in the World Series in the maximum seven games. The Circle of Life continues (as well as the Curse of the Billy Goat).

(Images from Pistons.com, Beckett.com, Beckett.com, FightingIllini.com)

Land-o-Links – 7/18/2006

On By Frank the TankIn Big East, Big Ten, Chicago White Sox, College Basketball, DePaul Blue Demons, Illinois Fighting Illini, Major League Baseball, Random Thoughts, Sports3 Comments

Have the Mets stopped scoring on the Cubs yet? All jokes aside, my White Sox didn’t fare any better against the other New York team this weekend. The three game sweep at the hands of the Yankees makes the series beginning tonight against the Tigers a pivotal point in the season. I still don’t quite believe in Detroit because of their inexperience, but I’d be remiss if I neglected to mention that the baseball world didn’t think the Sox were for real until the last out of the World Series last season. In fact, the 2004 Red Sox are the only World Series winners of the last five years that really had any “big game” experience prior to their championship season. Until tonight’s game, here are the links for the day:

1) The True Nature of Bo’s Tecmo Dominance (Deadspin) – The Big Three of Old School Nintendo: Mario in “Super Mario Bros.”, Link in “The Legend of Zelda”, and Bo Jackson in “Tecmo Bowl”.

(Update: Per TK, the Bo Jackson footage was from Tecmo Super Bowl as opposed to Tecmo Bowl. The original Tecmo Bowl didn’t use NFL teams or players.)

2) Oprah: I’m Not Gay (Washington Post) – Crisis averted for American males: there will not be an Oprah/Rosie love child.

3) The Deal-Breakers (Chicago Tribune) – Rationally, to paraphrase the former Hollywood magnate Samuel Goldwyn, I believe that verbal commitments aren’t worth the paper that they’re written on, so I can’t really be shocked by this or play the “unethical” card here. Emotionally, however, if Kelvin Sampson and Indiana somehow steal Eric Gordon from Illinois, my hatred for the Hoosiers would catapult them past Duke and the Packers on my personal list of the most evil teams in all of sports (and that’s akin to switching the order of the Ten Commandments for me). If you’re not up for a couple of rants per week on this blog for the next umpteen years about how Sampson is the Anti-Christ, you absolutely do not want this to happen.

4) DePaul Big East Basketball Opponents for 2006-07 (DePaul Blue Demons) – Having two games apiece against Notre Dame and St. John’s is a good thing. However, what’s up with South Florida (who I don’t believe should have ever been invited to the Big East) appearing twice on the schedule instead of traditional rival Marquette? That’s not very cool. All in all, I have some doubts as to whether DePaul is going to have enough to get to the NCAA Tournament next season since the tough Big East gauntlet is coupled with a brutal non-conference schedule with home games against Kansas (speaking of a school with a coach that is the Anti-Christ), Wake Forest, and California, along with a trip to the Maui Classic that will feature Kentucky, Memphis, UCLA, and Oklahoma.

5) Chicago Weighs New Prohibition: Bad-for-You Fats (New York Times) – If Ed Burke had read my list of Chicago buffets from last week, he never would have proposed such a clamp on the joys of humanity. Do we live in Russia or something?

6) Never Say Never (Chicagoist) – See, Naperville isn’t such a bad place to live! However, I do remember seeing the noted T-shirt being sold around the corner from my old apartment in the city right before my wife and I made the move out west.

And finally…

7) Snoop Dogg Planning West Cost Dominance (AllHipHop.com) – Tell us what you really think about non-West Coast rappers shooting videos in your ‘hood, Snoop.

Fine Explosions in Naperville and Land-o-Links for 7/5/2006

On By Frank the TankIn Big Ten, Chicago White Sox, College Basketball, Illinois Fighting Illini, Land-o-Links, Major League Baseball, NBA Basketball, Random Thoughts, Sports3 Comments

When my wife and I decided to buy a house in Naperville and leave our apartment in Roscoe Village on the North Side of Chicago a couple of years ago, most of my friends thought it was more sane for us to move to a space station using a shuttle that had pieces of foam falling off of it. The majority of the comments were along the lines of, “You’re moving to Yuppie-ville?” and “Enjoy the beige houses.” Of course, these friends at the time were all (a) not married and (b) looking at things from the perspective of renting for the next year as opposed to emptying out a bank account to buy a place to prospectively raise a family for the next ten to twenty years.

Granted, there are plenty of things that I miss about living in the city. In particular, I loved our neighborhood of Roscoe Village, which was lined with classic Chicago brownstones and close enough to Wrigleyville to walk to Clark and Addison within twnety minutes yet far enough away that we didn’t have idiot Cubs fans pissing on our lawn after games. (As a Sox fan that lived that close to Wrigley Field during the all-consuming Cubs playoff run in 2003, I have little patience for Cubs fans claiming that South Siders have been too obnoxious since we won last year. The only thing worse than being a White Sox fan living on the North Side during that time in ’03 was being a Red Sox fan stuck in the Bronx at that same time.) There’s no place in the world that I love more than Chicago and I still get a small adrenaline rush when my commuter train pulls into view of the city’s skyline every morning.

That being said, moving to Naperville was a terrific decision. Forget about the stellar public schools or the accolades that it is the best place to live in the nation. Here’s what it all comes down to, which I learned about last night: Best. Fireworks. Ever.

They were so good that I actually felt compelled enough to dedicate an entire post to such an inane subject. Let me note that I’m not throwing these positive proclamations around very lightly. My parents to this day are certified fireworks fanatics, which means that I spent my Fourth of July weekends as a child hitting the South Suburban fireworks trifecta of shows in Hazel Crest, Chicago Heights, and our hometown of Glenwood on consecutive evenings. They seriously go out of their way to catch as many fireworks performances as they can not only during the Independence Day season, but for the rest of the year, as well (i.e. Chicago’s Venetian Night, the twice-weekly Navy Pier shows, etc.). At the same time, I’ve been fortunate enough to witness fireworks displays in Chicago’s Grant Park, the National Mall in Washington, D.C., on Lahaina Harbor in Maui, and at Walt Disney World in Florida (for a view on Philadelphia’s fireworks, check out my sister’s blog). (The Most Disappointing Fourth of July Fireworks Ever: Las Vegas. Last year when I was there, instead of the city having the fireworks shoot off of the rooftops of the hotels on the Strip as it had in the past, the show was shuffled off into a largely inaccessible area someplace north of the Hilton. I was upset for a moment until I realized that I was still in Vegas, which made me happy again.)

Honestly, when it comes down to pure pyrotechnics (obviously, the locale of, say, the nation’s capitol adds to the overall experience), the Naperville Ribfest fireworks beat them all. Considering the inordinate number of fireworks shows that I’ve watched, the fact that probably over half of the the fireworks there were shot off were types that I had never seen before, ranging from ones that dropped down looking like unbroken streamers falling from the sky and a number that exploded to form smiley faces. At the same time, I have never seen a fireworks display that was as perfectly synchronized to music as this one. The soundtrack wasn’t there for background filler; each song sample had its own separate types of fireworks and the explosions were timed right in line with the proper beats – simply phenomenal. If you’re in the Chicago area next year during the Fourth of July weekend, I’d highly recommend the Naperville Ribfest fireworks over the Third of July fireworks at the Taste of Chicago based purely on the overall quality of the show.

Anyway, I know a few of you are dying for my take on Ben Wallace signing with the Bulls (WOW!!!), which will be forthcoming, but I’ll also be spinning some baseball thoughts into that analysis for those that are weary of my NBA focus lately (you’ll see how). Until then, here are the links for the day:

1) Keith Richards to Be in ‘Pirates’ Movie (Washington Post) – Disney is going to save a ton of money on makeup costs with this move.

2) ‘Punch A.J.’ Campaign Under Way (whitesox.com) – I’m sure Minneapolis Red Sox is going to push for his man Francisco Liriano (and I’ll grant the argument that the Twins phenom is more deserving of an All-Star spot), but you’ve got to give credit to the White Sox marketing staff for having a great sense of humor. I can’t wait to see what the Maloof brothers are going to do to get out the vote for Ron Artest next year.

3) NBA Draft: The Illini Spin (Illini Board) – A look from John Brumbaugh about the next destinations for James Augustine and Dee Brown.

4) Lil’ Kim Leaves Prison in Style (AllHipHop.com) – This is really going to hurt her reality TV show career.

5) Benny the Bull Charged With Attacking a Police Officer (CBS Sportsline) – This is when we really need those mugshots from The Smoking Gun.

And finally…

6) Kobayashi Stands Triumphant Again (Deadspin.com) – The only time he has ever failed was against a bear in “Man vs. Beast” (a great reality show better known for then-unknown but eventual Olympic gold medalist Shawn Crawford seriously coming close to accusing the zebra that he lost to in a race of taking injections in the behind from Jose Canseco in an Oakland A’s lockeroom stall). Regardless, statues need to be erected for Kobayashi on Coney Island.

(Update:  This link couldn’t wait…

7) Hot Dog – Moo & Oink Jingle Gets Some Flavor (Chicago Tribune) – If you ever watched Soul Train back in the day on WGN with any regularity (I know I’m not the only half-Chinese/half-Polish guy out there that did), you understand that this is a travesty.)